The best response to a problem - ever.
I just found out that the girl I love and have been with for years doesn't want to be with me anymore.
What should I do?
1) Anonymous said: fuck her friends
2) Anonymous said: Live on and enjoy your life
3) Anonymous said: fuck her mom.
4) Anonymous said: Okay, this is how it goes. You get an orangutan. I'm not talking a little monkey or some dancing chimp bullshit, I mean a fucking orangutan.
Don't ask me how you're going to get an orangutan, because thats not my problem.
So the orangutans name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable; all orangutans are named Clyde. I don't know why that is, it's just how the world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You're seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty, you high-five the orangutan.
The town begins to buzz. It gets back to her. 'Do you know the guy with the orangutan?' 'You used to date the guy with the orangutan?' 'Why would you break up with the guy with the orangutan?' Next thing you know shes calling.
'I'm hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?'
'Geez, I dunno, me and Clyde were going to go to a monster truck race tonight (orangutans love monster trucks). In fact, the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I'll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in. Oh, well, you know my number don't be a stra--Hey! Look at the time, I gotta skate, Clyde's making mojitoes.
At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind, you can draw her back into your life at any pace you decide. Whatever, it's your life.
But if you're a smart man? You slowly phase her back in. You're IM-ing. You're talking on Live. You get invited to her family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family. You're one big Brady bunch.
Going on a job hunt soon. If anyone from Topshop reads this before I get to you, please, please hire me. Don't let my shocking sense of humour reflect too badly on me. I would kill to work for you well, perhaps full blown murder is slightly extreme but, I would definitely accept payment in clothing.
The wishlist currently stands at:
and there is plenty more where that came from.
P.S. Check out Alela Diane and Little Joy.
Images via topshop.com